Soft Launching a Mental Breakdown

If you know me personally, you would know that I am the type of person who loves to take on responsibility… and then complain about said responsibility for the entire duration of that responsibility.

Some may call this a mental illness.

I call it… thriving.

The truth is, I love having things to do. I need things to do. The more items on my to-do list, the less time I have to think about the things that quietly sit in the back of my mind waiting to ruin my mood.

Like the fact that I am 31 years old and have never been in a real relationship.

Or that I’m not even sure if I want kids, but I am very aware that my body may make that decision for me one day.

Or that I am in the worst shape of my life… literally almost by choice.

Which then reminds me that being in the worst shape of my life would also make said hypothetical children situation even more complicated.

Which then makes me spiral.

And when I spiral, I snack.

Because comfort food is comfort for a reason.

And after I snack, I feel guilty.

Which reminds me that I am, in fact, in the worst shape of my life.

And then the cycle restarts.

Sometimes for a few minutes.

Sometimes for a few days.

Sometimes for weeks.

And when the spiral finally burns itself out, I get this random jolt of motivation. This sudden “get your life together” energy. The kind where I sign up for Pilates. And meal prep. And open a new planner. And reorganize my life. And decide that maybe I should apply to something else ya know… just to see.

Except now… I’m further from the finish line.

Which reminds me.

Where is the finish line?!

For a Virgo like myself, I’m starting to think it doesn’t exist. (The limit does not exist!)

When I was 21, my biggest goal in life was to obtain my bachelor’s degree. I knew since high school that it would make me happy. That I would feel content. What I didn’t know was that my associate’s degree would take me ten years.

Ten.

Most people would call it there. Take the win. Move on.

Not me.

After graduating from York College with my Bachelor’s in HR Management, I immediately asked myself, “Why stop there?”

So I applied to a Master’s program.

Because apparently peace was never the goal.

Now I have a full-time job in Workplace Experience. I’m trying to improve my health. I go to Pilates because I like the idea of being a Pilates princess. I take 3–4 graduate classes a semester because I like the idea of being impressive.

My mind is always running.

My body is always sore.

You would think this would make me the slimmest, healthiest, most accomplished version of myself.

But instead, you get a slightly manic 31-year-old woman who is soft launching a mental breakdown.

But here’s the part I’m starting to really grasp

Maybe I don’t overload myself because I’m unstable.

Maybe I overload myself because I believe in the version of me that exists on the other side of all of this.

The degree.
The discipline.
The health.
The stability.
The love.

Maybe the spiral isn’t proof that I’m failing.

Maybe it’s just proof that I care.

And maybe the finish line isn’t something I reach.

Maybe it’s something I become.

So if this looks like chaos from the outside… just know it’s construction.

And I am building something on purpose.

Thank you

xoxo

P.S. If this looks like a breakdown, just know I’ve already scheduled it into my calendar.